Monday, April 13, 2009

I think i am ready

I am feeling very positive and very nostalgic today.

I think I am ready to take the bull by the horns to embrace positive living instead of being focused on my anxiety and depression and the past and future... to at least attempt as much as I can to live in the present.

I have been missing friends recently. Not that I don't have them but everyone lives get so busy and I don't get to see them as much.

I wish I had a weekly dinner with all my friends... i wish all my friends lived near me. Its such a difficult part of getting older not being at school with your friends all day or living next door to them.

And I have been secluding myself recently from my friends not avoiding situations but just not dreaming of participating in them at all cause i am so concerned about how I will feel or how they will react to me... and now I am ready to reenter having plans more than just on the weekends...
Its spring bring on the fun

I never know how to meet new people... unless they sort of just fall into your lap. I am always self conscious I guess about going to things like knitting circles and I want to volunteer but where... always searching for ideas...

the thing is I have 3 amazingly wonderful close girlfriends who don't live near me. 2 who do but have very busy lives as well do, and great friends from work who live in the burbs and isn't always easy to just all hang out...

but I am ready bring on the plans bring on the fun... hello spring!!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

its one of those days

This withdrawal (at least I hope that is what it is and not the new med) from Pristiq is killing me... I have had killer headaches for almost 2 weeks, been flu like for days, and NOW am having horrible anxiety and feeling pretty down :(

I took the day for me today. I hate doing that. I always feel guilty missing work but sometimes, you just need a day... to either wallow or re motivate... today I am hoping to do both. Especially since I am traveling tomorrow to see one of my favorite people...
now if only I could decrease the numbness and increase the excitement.

today to help myself I plan to:
take a hot bath with lavender
do yoga
do some art
maybe go for a run or do some cardio
and get all done I need for tomorrow so i can have a relaxing evening.

i want to go back to how amazing i felt when i first started weening off the pristiq

I hope that the effects of zoloft are being masked by this nightmare.

My therapist said that she met with a pristq rep the other day and they totally denied the fact that there are side effects/withdrawal effects.

seeing as everything I have read indicates that Effexor has terrible withdrawals how could this drug not.

Well I am sorry for such a downer post... apparently thinking positive and that I deserve good is very hard for me.

have a good Thursday

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Snow Day Maybe??

Well here in PA we are supposed to be getting between 8 and 14 inches of snow. I am ready for sun... and to be able to start running outside and what not (running at all really since I am new to the world of running). But 1 more snow day would be such a delight.

especially one where you can play in the snow... there hasn't been enough snow yet to do that... and I love making snowmen and getting exhausted from playing in snow!

Its been an interesting week on the health front
I saw my new psychiatrist (2nd time seeing him) and we changed medications... no more pristiq!!

I am going to be taking Zoloft... (any in site/experiences welcome) I am still transitioning over... but I am hopeful

I am also on a new sleep medication Trazodone. Not sure how well it is working yet, i am still playing with dosage to get it just right, but the thought of getting some sleep again makes me very happy.

and I am heading into that time of the month. Apparently Zoloft is supposed to help with PMDD (which I don't have at least not diagnosed) so we shall see if things go haywire or not!

Thank you to everyone who reads this, who has gone through this, and who is willing to share and help me. I am really trying hard to feel like me again.

I am going to be starting on a gluten free, dairy free, egg free, sugar free diet soon... might even try some raw food eating.

in other news...
2 of my closest friends got engaged last night. It was so much fun riding around the city taking pictures with them. They are such wonderful people and I wish them only happiness and joy for the rest of life...

and I found out some other fabulous news... but for the time being it must remain a secret!

here's to over a foot of snow...
Happy Sunday

Sunday, February 22, 2009

minor panic

So i am currently calming down from a minor panic attack...

I really don't know how I feel about these meds I am on.... both the birth control and the anti-depressant.

First of all the anti-depressant doesn't even, well, isn't even approved for anxiety. Which is my main concern and I become depressed cause i am anxious. And the anxiety happens everyday... not panic attacks but I have twice this week almost had or had a panic attack.

And I'm sick of feeling like I can't feel things... or don't feel things... or am scared to feel things. I am not sure how to explain it... but its like anything but anxiety I am so separated from detached or unable to feel. Or its like i know the feeling is way out in the abyss but I am scared to let it back in because for so long I have felt like this. Well for this bout its been about 4 month, and I have actually been seeing someone consistently multiple times a week for not even 2 months. And I have been on meds for about 5 weeks.

This medical system is so frustrating. The first psychiatrist I saw, was not very friendly, or interested in anything but giving me the script the med companies will give him kickbacks for, which is the med I am still on. But my new psychiatrist says that he would never have put me on this med in the first place. And before all that my gynecologist was just putting me on meds to take around my period (as I am concerned about some PMDD or hormonal imbalances) and was not monitoring me, wouldn't call me back when I would call, and then would act as though I was wrong for calling a million times. I start seeing a new one next month thank goodness.

I guess i have been battling this disease or these diseases all my life on and off... being scared of fires to the point of waking up in cold sweats, not eating for weeks on end when a situation upset me, or eating enough to live but feeling constantly sick afterwards, and then my first bout with it taking me out in Boston around 2004, and then this time. Its so annoying how sometimes I can totally control it or it is gone, and sometimes it is all consuming.

thanks for letting me vent and comment.

I just want the little one of august and September back I was so happy, probably the happiest I have ever been in my entire life...

and now we are here.

hmm.. I think i will go read or knit maybe it will take my mind off things.
Now if there were only something worth watching on TV


I would like to try to knit my first socks EVER
So far I have done, hats, blankets and scarves nothing more exciting than that :(

any advice, tips, thoughts, patterns... anything really would be greatly appreciated!!

hope you are all enjoying a relaxing weekend... mine has been interesting...
I was supposed to go to a "slumber" party with a friend but we both were not feeling well.

I got lots of odds and ends done around the house yesterday and then went out to dinner but apparently, they put some butter in something I ate and I have spent the remaining time of the weekend being really itchy :(

damn dairy allergy :)

however, it should be noted that Pub and Kitchen is delicious for any of you who haven't been there in the philadelphia area.

today I have big plans for making myself an art/meditation room by cleaning out some closets

and maybe finishing up those pesky taxes..

I hope to post more this week

Sunday, February 15, 2009


so I always see people posting about searches that were done to find their blogs... how do you find that out...?

hope that makes sense.

Obviously new to this whole blogging thing... and to doing fun stuff like that

Meds and such

Well, I have spent the entire weekend thus far in bed. I am finally starting to feel better and should probably get my ass up and clean this place... but I am really good at being lazy. Especially when I feel anxious.

I was thinking about meds today. I am currently taking pristiq. I started Jan 13th. So today is officially 1 month and 2 days of this pill.

Anyone else on this or have experience with it.

I sort of feel like a Guinea pig. Because even though it is a metabolite of effexor it isn't even a year old. How can they really know how it works, how effective it is.

In the beginning i was having all side effects imaginable. Low appetite nauseous I can't even remember what they all were.

Last weekend I had the best weekend I have had in a long time. I felt like the little one for over 24 hours. I miss that. I don't know what I did differently. But normally, I have anxiety daily regardless of this pill, mild-moderate depending on the day, always in the morning and then on and off throughout the day. I also get what I call chemical anxiety... like a buzzy body which I never had before this med. And although, I would say it helps with the depression in that I am more motivated and interested in hobbies that I had stopped doing for a period of time, it isn't really helping with the anxiety. And should I have one set back I can easily slide back into that not feeling great with the depression.

I started reading the anxiety and phobia workbook... I might have mentioned that previously so far I have gotten to the part about relaxation.

So this weeks goal is
Deep Breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and guided imagery at least 5 times this week if not more.

and working out at least twice (cardio)
Yoga at least twice.

Let's see if I meet those goals

Would love to hear your thoughts on meds.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

What is Art is Art Art are we Art

some recently finished objects for your viewing pleasure


Friday, February 13, 2009

sick :(

I had big plans for a long post tonight about a myriad of things...

alas... I am sick

stuffy, dizzy, achy,
not so much fun :(

but I am excited that people are reading this and commenting...

happy valentine's day

and happy friday the 13th.

I shall post a real post soon I hope.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

so.. i might return

its been a long time... years in fact since I have blogged... ok maybe a year.

but i think i might return...
to share what I am going through, no last jam this is me embracing what is going on and trying to move forward.

I am battling panic disorder, depression and generalized anxiety and have decided that I need to journal regarding what I need to do/am doing/ and experiencing.

For example I know I need to
1) eat healthier
2) learn more about meditating
3) practice meditation and relaxation techniques
4) work out more

I still knit and shall have a few FOs to post soon also.

well here's to trying this out again