Sunday, February 22, 2009

minor panic

So i am currently calming down from a minor panic attack...

I really don't know how I feel about these meds I am on.... both the birth control and the anti-depressant.

First of all the anti-depressant doesn't even, well, isn't even approved for anxiety. Which is my main concern and I become depressed cause i am anxious. And the anxiety happens everyday... not panic attacks but I have twice this week almost had or had a panic attack.

And I'm sick of feeling like I can't feel things... or don't feel things... or am scared to feel things. I am not sure how to explain it... but its like anything but anxiety I am so separated from detached or unable to feel. Or its like i know the feeling is way out in the abyss but I am scared to let it back in because for so long I have felt like this. Well for this bout its been about 4 month, and I have actually been seeing someone consistently multiple times a week for not even 2 months. And I have been on meds for about 5 weeks.

This medical system is so frustrating. The first psychiatrist I saw, was not very friendly, or interested in anything but giving me the script the med companies will give him kickbacks for, which is the med I am still on. But my new psychiatrist says that he would never have put me on this med in the first place. And before all that my gynecologist was just putting me on meds to take around my period (as I am concerned about some PMDD or hormonal imbalances) and was not monitoring me, wouldn't call me back when I would call, and then would act as though I was wrong for calling a million times. I start seeing a new one next month thank goodness.

I guess i have been battling this disease or these diseases all my life on and off... being scared of fires to the point of waking up in cold sweats, not eating for weeks on end when a situation upset me, or eating enough to live but feeling constantly sick afterwards, and then my first bout with it taking me out in Boston around 2004, and then this time. Its so annoying how sometimes I can totally control it or it is gone, and sometimes it is all consuming.

thanks for letting me vent and comment.

I just want the little one of august and September back I was so happy, probably the happiest I have ever been in my entire life...

and now we are here.

hmm.. I think i will go read or knit maybe it will take my mind off things.
Now if there were only something worth watching on TV


Go Nicole Yourself said...

Shoot me an email if you feel like it. I have lots of experience with different anti-depressants and hormone imbalance. I'm trying to get off of the stuff that I don't feel is working and sometimes it's hard to explain when people don't go through it themselves.

I hope you're doing okay. Hang in there!

The Little One said...

OHHH I am so excited to hear that... I will def. shoot you an email this weekend if i get a chance.. or in the near future it will be nice to communicate with someone who has insight and advice!!